Thursday, February 14, 2008

Pros vs. Joes Season 3, Episode 4

Hey, we're back in RFK, for the NE Regional of Pros vs. Joes. RFK is now quickly becoming the stadium equivalent of a Ghost Town, and that makes me sad. I saw the Rolling Stones there (opening for them? A band with a big future--Living Color!); I saw the single best goal of World Cup 1994 there, and I watched the Drunken Savages lose (crap) to the Dallas Cowboys in 1991 (their only home loss of that Superbowl Year). It is weird to see the place empty. But it looks much safer than it did when thousands of people were crammed into it and angrily stomping.

Our Stupid Eliminator Joe Challenge is back. We had a commenter who claimed to be on this episode, by the by. His handle is Raloo Jackson, and I don't see an easy fit for that amongst our competitors. Raloo, if this was your episode, let us know who you were. The Elimination challenge to prune our 8 Joes to 6 is probably more about dumb luck than any other previous elimination challenge--The Joes are dressed in football gear, and have to recover an onside kick. The first six to do it are in. Six of them do it. Two anonymous Joes are gone. Such drama. Not to beat a Dead Horse, but I'll wager dollars to doughnuts that this whole eliminator thing to cover for a lack of Pros. During the course of this, host Peter Packapickalopous exclaims, "Who's got the vessel...beatin' in his chest!?" Shut up, Peter. That's just stupid.

Speaking of Pros--Let's meet them!
Jessie Armstead--I don't know that I was fully aware that he had been out of the NFL for as long as he has been. He's still in great shape, and kind of fucking scary. One of the Joes (later to be revealed as John Grkovic) decides to talk a little smack. Jessie don't like it, and dares the Joe to step to him: "Put your helmet on, come over here, and see what happens." This is usually the cue for the Joe to shut the fuck up. Grkovic doesn't. He puts on him helmet, ambles over to Armstead who attacks him, wrestles him to the ground, and generally seems really pissed at this particular Joe. Will it have later ramifications? (foreshadowing!)

Derrick Coleman--Goodness gracious, has there ever been a player more perfectly suited for Pros vs. Joes than Derrick Coleman? College Phenom, Incredible pro talent oft wasted, and a troubled post-retirement? My God, if I were a producer of PvJ, I'd want 11 Derrick Colemans on my team! Nice bit: Coleman comes out, and looks at Grkovic, and says, "What happened to you?" Jessie Armstead happened DC. Jessie Armstead fucking happened.

Marty McSorley--Speaking of a perfect fit. Marty fucking McSorley. One of the few men ever charged with a felony for his actions on his field of play (remember? He took his stick to Donald Brashear?) Host Peter PoppinFreshapolis is too kind to mention that, but he does mention (as if it were a badge of honor, and not a career killer) that Marty was slapped with the longest suspension in NHL history. Stay classy, Spike TV!

So now our Joes pick who they want to compete against. #1 seed, Mike Kotsch of Philly decides he wants Derrick Coleman. #2 Rahul Soni of Hawthorne, NY wants McSorley. That leaves #3 Joe Goodwin with Jessie Armstead. Since the other three Joes are at the mercy of their higher seeds, that means that #4 John Grkovic is going to have to face Armstead. more foreshadowing!

Challenge 1, is for some reason, between #2 Rahul Soni and #5 Jermaine Reid against Marty. The idea is simple, if impossible enough. There are four pucks on the ice. Each Joe has to skate to one, whilst shadowed and bullied by Marty, and try to score. If Marty gets the puck, and scores himself, that puck is dead.

Rahul has a trick up his sleeve. Despite his downright tropical name and complexion, he's a suburban New Yorker born and bred, and he can fucking skate. Unfortunately, he's all of 160 pounds, and McSorley is willing to just fucking pound him to keep him from scoring. Rahul loses 0-4, and yet, I like his chances. Because Jermaine Reid clearly hasn't been on ice skates in the last decade or two. He looks like a baby horse with an inner ear disorder. He's barely moving at all. McSorley hits him and laughs and takes the pucks and scores very easily. I feel bad for Reid. He probably didn't think he'd have to prove his mettle on the ice. Too bad for him, he did have to. So it goes to a tie break that Rahul predictably wins. We have our first Overtime participant. (Incidentally, if one were to visit Hawthorne, New York, how hard would it be to find a relative of Rahul? I'm guessing they stick out like sore thumbs. It's a fucking white town, is what I'm saying.)

Challenge 2 features Joes #1 Mike Kotsch and #6 Pablo Healing. I know what you are thinking--"Isn't 'Pablo Healings' that shitty bar/massage parlor in my town's seedy strip mall?" No! He's a person, and he's from Fairfield, CT, which is possibly whiter than Hawthorne, NY. But here's Pablo--you might think he stands out, too. But um, no. His name is Paul, he "goes by" Pablo, presumably in an effort to make himself more interesting. Nice try, Paul. Mike and Paul have to get in the paint and board against Derrick Coleman, which is ridiculous. Whoever has the most boards and outlet passes (into targets) by the time DC gets to 10 boards and outlets wins (they do go one at a time, I should mention). I should also mention that Derrick Coleman refers to himself as being 275 pounds. The other Pros let that slide. I will not. DC, you were 275 in college, my man. If you are under 300 pounds, I'll fucking eat my hat, assuming you don't fly here, snatch my hat from my hands, and eat it first. 275! Who are you fucking kidding, my man?

Anyway, it is clear that neither Joe has much shot at doing better than 3 or 4 rebounds, assuming there are some that bounce away from the rim, and require being run down. Pablo Honey/Paul Healing is up first. He battles valiantly, and hard, and gets his dog walked. Paul puts it all on the line, though, as this is the challenge he has to win if he wants to advance. If he wins, he'll have time to rest (foreshadowing like crazy!). Despite his efforts, he loses 10-2. Mike is up next, and he's seen what he has to do. But on the second board of his challenge, Derrick Coleman tweaks his knee and can't continue. What is this? I've never heard of Derrick Coleman not being able to compete because of injury before!

What to do? The Powers of Pro Vs. Joes decide that the only "fair" thing to do is to make the two Joes go head to head--quickest to 5 boards and successful outlet passing targets hit wins. And on paper, that seems fair. But for poor Pablo Honey, that's really quite unfair. He's going against a guy who's barely had to do anything at all, and he's just been running into a wall of fat for the last 15 minutes. It goes down to the wire, but Mike Kotsch wins. Way to advance, Mike. I hope you're proud, you fucking cheater!

Challenge 3 is simple--the Joes are goal line running backs, Jesse Armstead is the goal linebacker. There is an offensive line and a defensive line made up of real people who don't actually engage each other. Each Joe gets four chances to run into Jessie's waiting arms. If someone scores a touchdown, they win, and angels will descend on the Gaza Strip and tell us all that Shintoism is the one true religion. (That's my way of saying no one is going to score). Joes #3 Joe Goodwin and #4 John Grkovic are the two guys who get to do this, and really, only Grkovic ("call me The Gurk") deserves this. Neither John or Joe get anywhere for 3 downs. The challenge could have easily been to run through a solid wall. On the fourth chance, the rules change, without notice. No longer is it goalline, and there no longer any blockers. It is now 10 yards out, with Jessie Armstead allowed unimpeded access to the running back. Whoever loses the least amount of yardage wins. The winner is basically up to Armstead.

All that foreshadowing is about to come to fruition. Armstead attacks The Gurk quickly, and without remorse, and drops him four yards deep. He attacks Joe Goodwin with much less aggression, and drops him only one yard deep. Joe advances. The Gurk knows he was fucked; it shows on his face. But what can he do? He brought that shitstorm on himself. We will miss The Gurk, for his weird brand of shit-talking. Examples: "I just talked to the weatherman. I just talked to the weatherman. He said the forecast was for pain." and "People compare me to Jesus, because I'm like him, because I'm....awesome?" Peace be with you, The Gurk.

on to OVERTIME. (Remember--each event is no more than one minute long, with extra time added as each Joe runs to the next event)

Event 1: Score once in the paint against Derrick Coleman
Event 2: Take a puck behind the net, where McSorley waits, get by him and then score.
Event 3: Catch two slant pattern catches with Armstead defending.

Joe Goodwin is up first. He manages to score a runner on Derrick Coleman, and finishes the first event in 43 seconds. He also gets by McSorley pretty quickly, and finishes at 1:25. He even manages to catch 2 of the first four passes, and finishes the entire Overtime in 1:55. That's impressive, and my first thought was "Joe got in on a cheat, but no one beats that."

Rahul has the first chance to prove me wrong. He doesn't on the basketball court. He looks like he's never handled a basketball in his life. He's like Brett Favre, in that he looks like a kid out there. But not in the good way. He maxes out. 1:09. He moves to hockey, which is his sport, and he skates quickly, skirts around Marty, and scores. He's back in it at 1:35. But he is tiny, and Jessie Armstead is big, and hitting him hard. After catching one pass, he gets tired of getting hit, and allows the clock to max out. Rahul finishes at 2:40.

That leaves John Kotsch. He actually dribbles off his foot in the challenge, and takes high arc, poorly aimed shots from the very perimeter of the paint. He maxes out at 1:10. I declared him at this point finished. He hits the ice. This is the first time we've seen him on ice. It may be the first time he's seen himself on ice, too. Incredibly slow. He finishes at 1:40. He's really, really done now. Or is he?

Yeah, he's done. He finishes well behind Joe Goodwin. Joe is on to the next round!

Next week: Warren Moon, Nick Van Exel and Al Leiter!


Anonymous said...

Hey why did Rahul get bashed like that...Sounds like racism to me...

Jess said...

The Gurk's trash talking was confusing and sad. I was really hoping Armstead would have made him cry.

Rahul S said...

Ahah man what a disgrace I am. I can't believe I didn't get that wrap around in. Mcsorley was a f'n tank, once he got the puck from me there was 0 chance of getting it back. If I can go back I would have devised a smarter strategy, I foolishly tried to skate with the man. They showed me playing first but JR went first, and after I seen that he couldn't skate I actually felt stupid, but I guess I ended up looking even stupider by not even scoring in 4 pucks. F that. Honestly the only thing I really pressured myself and went all out was in the opening football event, I was nervous about getting booted off immediatelly and going down to DC for nothing. I still dont see how you guys dont like that aspect, its totally funny for the viewer, obviuosly my friends wanted to see me play in all the sports, but thats too bad if I didn't. That event is all luck man, I felt bad for the other 2 joes. Didnt even get there names mentioned. All my boyz would never let me live that down. Yo i am telling you that floor board was f'd up thats why I coudn't bounce the basketball properly. Coach was probably the best basketball player out of all his boyz in philly so if he didnt score than neither should I. One pop i got from Armstead I got up and felt like someone instantly IV'd me with 5 shots of Patrone, it felt awesome. Coach got the worst of all 3 of us tho, he puked at the end and was f'd, he probably got the equivalent of 12 shots of patrone. In all 30 years no one has referred to my name as tropical, I love that. I will check back again.

Anonymous said...

Tropical Soni, soooo exotic

Big Blue Monkey said...

For the record, Rahul, I think you acquitted yourself quite well. You were clearly at a huge size disadvantage. Interesting that JR went first. I'm not sure why they fucked with the timeline, except that maybe it was funnier that way. You at least looked like you knew how to skate.

I'm going out on a limb and say you may be the best ice skater named Rahul to appear on Pros vs. Joes ever.

And sure, yeah, the floorboard was fucked up.

Anonymous said...

I'm going out on a limb and saying Rahul is the best ice skater named Rahul period.

Devans00 said...

Rahul was the most impressive of all Joes on skates. I can't believe he tried to go toe to toe with McSorley before skating away.

"Gurk" Grkovic was a fool to continue talking smack after Armstead promptly kicked his ass at the beginning of the show. I guess guys like that never learn.