Brett Favre today attacked a group of small, cute Chinese children and their pet baby pandas, killing all 14 children and 8 of the 10 baby pandas. His main weapon, investigators theorize, was a nice, grandmotherly Irish Catholic nun, who Favre picked up by the ankles and wielded like a large, black and white mace.
It was the culmination of a day long rampage for Favre, who, investigators now say, started slowly and quietly in the early morning hours with what they grudgingly call an "impressive display of stick-to-iveness". Over 9800 cars in Green Bay have been taken in for repairs. Forensics suggest that Favre urinated in the gas tanks of at least 8700 of those cars, and that figure is expected to climb.
Favre's next move, those close to the case say, was to call in to multiple Drive-Time radio shows. Displaying the timing and boldness that made Favre an NFL MVP 3 years in a row, he managed to win every call-in radio promotion in the Midwest. Forensics Police estimate that the average of "$100 An Hour" Promotion multipled by every FM station in the Great Plains means that Favre has made up to $235,00 in this one, concentrated act of Radio Terrorism.
An unnamed source close to Favre, believed to be with him most of the day, says it was during this rush of winning radio call-in shows that he first discussed attacking Chinese Tourists with a nun. According to the source, "He just started cackling, giggling, like a man out of control. And I remember it clearly, he said, 'I wanna wack me a panda with a nun, ya'll.'"
The source admits to being uncomfortable at that point, but didn't think Favre to be serious. Only in the midday action, in which every single Rite-Aid in southern Louisiana was held-up at nunpoint, with the masked attacker demanding only Vicodin, Coors Light, and "Rubbers" did our source begin to realize that Favre was serious.
"When I saw the videotape, and saw the masked man yell, 'I'm like a Fucking Kid in here!" did I know that it was Brett. And when he vomited blood, and kept on running and laughing--well--who else could it be?"
Or at least, that's what I assumed happened to make Brett Favre the lead story the entire day on every sports network known to man. They certainly wouldn't waste all that time if he were just thinking about trying to come out of retirement, right?
(Oh, and Travis Henry is probably out for the entire year on some Herbal Medicine charges)