I Dislike Your Favorite Team

You damn kids out there may think that the Simpsons are only mildly entertaining, unless you are the kind of cool kid who has early season DVD's of said show.

A little more than 15 years ago, one my favorite Simpsons episodes ever showed up on TVs across the country*. It, possibly more than any other episode up until that point showed the cultural pull the show had acquired in just 2 seasons. For this particular third season episode had more voice cameos than Shrek Part 5 will have.

I speak of course, of Homer At The Bat. Mr. Burns decides to make sure his crappy softball team will win in a bet with Shelbyville's nuclear energy park's team, and proceeds to recruit what was at the time, an All-Star team of ringers.

I've mentioned elsewhere that one of the things about baseball is that your childhood idol might still be playing when you graduate from college. Homer At The Bat offers us some of those opportunities. Without further ado, let's review where our cameo players are now. Also, it should be noted that almost every ringer was incapacitated for the Big Game. I will quickly note what kept them out of the game and I'll try to provide examples of their fine work.

Mike Scoiscia--Actually enjoyed working at the power plant, and contracted radiation poisoning as a result. Mike is now managing the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who are as of this writing, 16 games above .500. You damn kids may look at Scoiscia now and think that he couldn't have played professional baseball. He did, and he was good. Here he is, describing the radiation sickness.

Ken Griffey, Jr.--As shown by the clip above, Griffey got addicted to Nerve Tonic and suffered from Gigantism. In real life, he's Still Playing! So far, relatively healthy this season, which beats all. I suppose once you are old and slow enough, it becomes harder to break bones by running into walls. Hitting .281 with 13 Homers and 34 RBI, he's having a productive year.

Don Mattingly--Donny Baseball is kicked off by Mr. Burns for having sideburns, even though he doesn't. Mattingly, trying to assuage Burns has shaved off half the hair on his head. As he walks away, he mutters, "I still like him better than Steinbrenner." Which is ironic, as Mattingly is rumored now to be one of the potential replacements when Li'l George loses patience with Joe Torre. Here's that exchange, in the original Spanish:

Steve Sax--Arrested on a traffic violation, Springfield Cops decide to pin every crime ever committed in NYC on Sax. The last we see of him, he's rotting in jail. In real life Steve ran for office in the mid-90's, and is now a financial consultant. YouTube has no clip of Steve's moment on the Simpsons, which isn't surprising, as he ended up with all of 3 lines of dialogue.

Roger Clemens--Hypnotized into thinking he's a chicken. (sidenote: the commentary on the DVD suggests that Roger really didn't see why his lines were funny, and apparently complained). In real life, Roger is about to join the Major Leagues, again, apparently, maybe. Eric Wynalda, MLS commentator (?) predicted during the USA vs. China Friendly that Clemens would pitch two games before tearing his groin. I like that prediction.

Wade Boggs--Beaten up by Barney over the Greatest Prime Minister in England's History. Aside from inducting Mr. Perfect into the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame, and appearing on a NY Pro vs. Boston Joes of PvJ, Boggs has been pretty quiet.

Ozzie Smith--Disappeared down the Mystery Spot of Springfield. Apparently that isn't YouTube worthy, even though he met famed Time Travelers Mr. Peabody & Sherman. Ozzie hasn't been very public these days. The last time I saw him was during last year's Interleague series between the Twins and the Cardinals. Ozzie stopped by the booth, and totally awesome color guy (and Should Be Hall of Famer) Bert Blyleven repeatedly showed off his 1987 World Series Ring. It was awesome.

Jose Canseco--Too busy saving every bit of a house on fire. As to where Canseco is now; well that's a difficult thing to predict, even 12 hours in advance. Is he about to break back into the bigs? Is he pitching in some minor league? Is he writing a book about how everyone did drugs? Is he fucking someone who was famous in the early 90's? Who knows, who cares, except that is hilarious and entertaining. This I guarantee--wherever Jose is, he's totally willing to fuck your daughter.

Darryl Strawberry--Not disabled for the game at all. In real life, the Straw was spending his time watching his son play hoops for Maryland, and being a Pro in the Pros vs. Joes. Someone put together a Best of Straw On Simpsons montage. We of course, linked to it.


photo: wikipedia

*I watched this episode when it originally aired, and that happened 15 years ago. That makes me ache in a self-referential hipster getting old kind of way. I kind of feel like crawling into a corner, sitting on my heels, and rock back and forth, murmuring, "I'm not getting old. I'm not getting old. I'm not getting old." 15 years. Fuck.