Thursday, June 17, 2010

Taunt Slovenia With Surprising Factoids at Your Disposal

Thanks to Wikipedia, we can all learn things about Slovenia relatively quickly.  But there's all that work--you have to type in the webpage, and then type in the country's name, and then you have to fucking read.  You are too busy for that.  So, as a public service to all right and proper American soccer fans, I have taken it upon myself to do some research, and provide some facts about Slovenia, and a taunt that you can use or modify or ignore altogether whilst crafting your own biting barb aimed at your nearest Slovenian "friend."  

Let's get started.

The Divje Babe flute is considered by some to be oldest musical instrument ever discovered.  It was found in Slovenia, and is made out of a bear's femur.  Hey, Slovenia--we'll just add that to the list of bear parts your forefathers blew, OK?  

The Slovenes have a legend about Zlatorog, or Goldhorn, a magical chamois that lived on Mt. Triglav and could eat magical flowers that grew out of its spilled blood to heal itself.  What the fuck, Slovenia.

Did you know that present-day Slovenia was inhabited by Neanderthals?  And that it STILL IS?

Slovenia is the third most forested country in Europe.  Third?  THIRD?  That's last place in a race of three, Slovenia.  You are losing in something to FINLAND.

Slovenia is smaller than New Jersey.  However, their English is easier to understand than the average New Jersey resident.  Sneak attack burn on New Jersey!  Take that!

The first document in the Slovene language is the Freising Manuscript, which is some sort of forgiveness prayer.  Something I learned from it--apparently, Slovenians sometimes get drunk and fuck in their sleep:  “I confess all my sins…that I have knowingly committed…sleeping or awake,… in lying speeches, in theft, in fornication, in avarice, in gluttony, in excessive drinking, in defilement, and in all intemperate acts.”  Slovenia is clearly populated by a bunch of Drunken Sleepfuckers from way back.

The capital of Slovenia is Ljubljana, and the Slovenian nerds love their dragons there.  Imagine a whole country the size of New Jersey dedicated to playing D&D, and you can get a sense of the danger they'll be on the pitch.  Hey nerds, nice dragon!

I'd like to make fun of your towns, but honestly, they look really pretty.  (That's Piran, below).  But in short, we're dealing with a bunch of drunken, fucking, nerdy D&D loving Neanderthals who like to blow bears.  USA USA USA!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's called culture... you know the "book stuff", the "musical instrument stuff", the "architecture stuff" it's called CULTURE... but you wouldn't know FUCK about it, would you now? fuckin redneck.

with best wishes from Slovenia