Monday, August 13, 2007

Professor Badcock's Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine

(Updated) With NFL coverage available in some format every moment of every day, there are a lot of hours to fill with wild speculation. This speculation is what sustains the NFL fan during the seven months without the NFL season, as he crosses his fingers against arthroscopic surgeries, coke/AK-47/Humvee arrests and visits from the Grim Reaper of Free Agency.portrait of sports agent Leigh Steinberg by Anonymous

The 2007 NFL season doesn't begin until September 6th, when the Saints visit the defending champ Colts. That means that there are three weeks until all the candyfloss forecasts, lavender predictions and fuzz-ducklin' prognostications get crushed under Size 17 cleats. But until the season starts, we have nothing but our irrational rationalizations.

That's why Professor Badcock, who first used the expression "Jump the Shark" in his U.S. Senate race in 1960, is de-shrouding his most wondrous, salabracious, ingenuous and uncanny Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine.
artists rendering

As Mabel and Fran enter the data, we can sit back and let the vacuum tubes do their thing. Professor Badcock hopes to update his machine and incorporate the latest in reel-to-reel technology. Be in awe of what wild speculations the machine is able to spit out, using only preseason mags (Street & Smith's, Pro Football Weekly) and this clever post balanced by one single preseason game in which starters played a quarter or two. And the results are in. Teams are in the order of their usually predicted finish, before the Machine got involved.

AFC East
New England Patriots were excessively Spastic in free agency, and their loss to the Bucs shows that what they've gained in talent, they've lost in discipline. Expect a Quick Exit from the Playoffs.

NY Jets were Flaccid in the offseason, looking to build momentum patiently. Their rout of the Falcons shows that they are ready to peak this year. Expect a Division Title.

Buffalo Bills were Flaccid, building up their offensive line. Their defeat of the Saints means that they are moving in the right direction. Expect a Winning Record.

Miami Dolphins were Flaccid during the offseason, but their few dealings were potent as evidenced by their close victory over the Jags. Expect a Winning Record.

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens were Flaccid in free agency because of their obvious superiority. Their thrashing of the Eagles bears this out. Expect them in the AFC Championship Game.

Cincinnati Bengals Flaccidly did not address their troubled and felonious defense. They should have, giving up 27 points in a loss to the Lions. Expect No Playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers were Flaccid this offseason and show every sign of laying down for the start of the post-Cowher rebuilding era, losing to the Packers. Expect a Losing Record.

Cleveland Browns were Spastic, overpaying players to join their wretched journey. They beat the Chiefs, and may claw their way into contention. Expect a Winning Record.

AFC South
Indy Colts rested on their Flaccid laurels this offseason, and the window has closed. They were defeated by the Cowboys and have no more belly-fire. Expect a Quick Exit from the playoffs.

Jax Jags were Right on the Money in free agency, but aren't ready for the next step. Expect No Playoffs.

Tenn Titans were limply Flaccid this offseason and it shows. Getting spanked by the Redskins is only the beginning. Expect a Losing Record.

Houston Texans were Flaccid in free agency, hoping to build through the draft. Their loss to Chicago shows that they haven't done enough to improve, but will be competitive. Expect an Even Record.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers were Flaccid in the offseason, picking up Nerfneck Turner to lead their talented team into oblivion. They lost to the Seahawks and will long for Schottenheimer by week 3. Expect a Quick Exit from the Playoffs.

Denver Broncos were unusually Spastic in free agency, looking for some key additions to take them over the top. They smited the 49ers; Expect them in the AFC Championship game.

Kansas City Chiefs were Flaccid in free agency and are swan-diving into Herm's retirement. They lost to the Browns and don't really care anymore. Expect a Losing Record.

Oakland Raiders were very Spastic this offseason. Hell, they have nowhere to go but up. They beat the Cardinals! Expect an Even Record.

NFC East
Philly Eagles were Flaccid, as if they believed the hype. Don't Believe the Hype. They were creamed by the Ravens. Expect No Playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys were Flaccid in the offseason, looking to build their momentum by crushing the Colts. Expect a Division Title.

Washington Redskins were refreshingly Flaccid in free agency and it paid off in their victory over the lowly Titans. Expect Playoffs.

NY Giants were as Flaccid as Rumsfeld's prostate. They knew the season was hopeless even before their loss to Carolina. Expect a Losing Record.

NFC North
Chicago Bears were typically Flaccid in the offseason, and their close victory over the Texans means that they'll win some games. Expect a Division Title.

Green Bay Packers were Flaccid yet easily handled the fading Steelers. Expect a Winning Record.

Detroit Lions were Spastic as usual in the offseason. Matt Millen is looking like the GM of the Year after beating the Bengals in a shootout. Expect a Winning Record!

Minnesota Vikings were Flaccid in free agency and were picked to be a lousy team by most. Their effort against the Rams bears this out. Expect a Losing Record.

NFC South
New Orleans Saints were Best in the NFC this offseason, yet lost to Buffalo. Could this be the sophomore slump? Expect a Quick Exit from the Playoffs.

Carolina Panthers were Flaccid during free agency, believing in themselves. They beat a hapless Giants team. Expect Playoffs.

Tampa Bay Bucs were Spastic this offseason, clutching at straws. They might just save themselves, proven by their defeat of the Patriots. Expect a Winning Record.

Atlanta Falcons were Flaccid in free agency and then lost Vick to the pound. The Jets blew them up. Expect a Losing Record.

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks were Spastic this offseason, trying to keep ahead of the NFC. They polished off the Chargers and look poised for their best shot. Expect the NFC Championship Game.

SF 49ers were scramblingly Spastic in free agency, all for naught as they lost to the Broncos. What they had going for them has been lost. Expect a Losing Record.

St. Louis Rams were Spastic in the offseason, perhaps sensing that their QB/RB/WR dominance is the best it will be. They beat the Vikes, big whup. Expect a Winning Record.

Arizona Cardinals were both Spastic and ineffectual. They lost to the Raiders. Expect Last Place.

And there you have it. While Professor Badcock's Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine produces answers that may defy "conventional wisdom," be assured that these wild speculations are absolutely, positively 100% guaranteed.* You just can't stop Science.

* not a guarantee
Updated to reflect that not every single Division is in the NFC


Anonymous said...

I think that the machine is wrong. The Chargers will win it all with Norv Turner, and he will make it into the Hall of Fame before Art Monk.

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St. Thomas Alumni

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Anonymous said...

I think I watched that guy huff Rustoleum on a bet.

The mass man is often proven right by popularity contests, elections and other ephemera.

Only history can sit as immutable judge of the past. And even then?

Well, one place where results are final and determined by brutal tests of willpower, intelligence, cunning and velocity is the NFL. The season starts very soon.

The puds at IDYFT are as silent as a mouse pissing on cotton across town.

Anonymous said...

Where is your quality control? How many NFC Divisions are there? Such remedial work helps to explain your silly prognostications.

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Andrew Wice said...

I'm not sure I understand your objections to "How many NFC Divisions are there?"

Besides, it's the machine. I just change the vacuum tubes.