Saturday, August 11, 2007

Buddy Cop Quotient 2007: NFC West

Wherein we boil down NFL backfields based on the compatibility/wackiness partnering a la Buddy Cop Movies, and try to determine how watchable said act is.

Seattle Seahawks: Christ, aren't both Hasselback and Alexander a little too old for shit? As we said last year, "Though I think this movie was better the last time around. Can they find compelling story lines that they haven't already done to death?" I think this time around, it has been done to death. Unwatchable, aside from the most die hard fans. Two old men + years of partnership + last legs of franchise = My Fellow Americans.

4 Stars. Do you really want to see two former greats phone it in for a paycheck? I don't.

San Francisco 49'ers: On the other side of the spectrum, we've got two super young guys. Alex Smith and Frank Gore, who I'm sure have a lot in common. Just for the sake of argument, thought, let's pretend that they are as different as different can be. Oil and Water, and so on. We find ourselves unsure as to what to make of this coupling. Brilliant? A Year Away From Brilliant? Awful? Gore, as long as he stays healthy, will be fun to watch. Alex Smith could be fun to watch--he hasn't been yet, but he's young, dammit.

7 Stars: You won't make it appointment television, but you'll watch when it comes on. Like when TNT shows Chill Factor. And much like Chill Factor, in a couple of years, you'll be shocked that Alex Smith (Skeet Ulrich) was part of this team, and you won't be shocked at all by the awful career choices Frank Gore (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) makes. But for a dumb fun couple of hours this year, this team is something you watch.

Arizona Cardinals: Now, the Buzzsaw is a perfectly classic mix. Surely, The Edge is getting too old for this shit. Leinart, meanwhile, is still exploring just how many chicks he can have unprotected sex with. These two are a crazy duo--who knows what might happen? But then, you have to think about who is directing the show. And Ken Whisenhunt is running this show, the man behind Pittsburgh's "Running Every Down" scheme. And while no one can deny the eccentric chemistry between the lead actors, the director has a great chance of ruining this picture. We miss Denny Green--he would have fucked this up in spectacular and exciting fashion.

5/10 Stars--Will this be Lethal Weapon I, or will it be Lethal Weapon I as directed by Hal Hartley? Time will tell.

St. Louis Rams: Marc Bulger isn't Buddy Cop material. He's more like Ed Harris; he shows up, he does his job, but he's completely forgettable. Steven Jackson, on the other hand, is totally watchable. However, Jackson is taking the kind of punishment that will age him awfully quickly. So, using our hindsight and foresight at the same time, we take Bulger's workmanlike, uncharismatic performance, and combine it with the scintallating, but preternaturally aging work of Jackson, and we think we get something very much like the forgotten TV Buddy Cop work of Karl Malden and Michael Douglas in "the Streets of San Francisco" (another NFC West city!).

8 Stars: Totally watchable. You'll marvel how old Bulger looks, even as young man; in 5 years, you'll marvel that you ever thought of Jackson as a young man.

Previously: BCQ: NFC North/Central
Next: BCQ: NFC South


lbutler36 said...

bot only is matt hasselbeck old at 31, but he is also a former great? what is going on here?

Andrew Wice said...

Hasselbeck has had some outstanding years in Seattle, and got his team to the Superbowl. But "great?" I don't think that's so.

He'll probably get into the Hall of Fame before Art Monk, though. Racists.