Sunday, August 05, 2007

Buddy Cop Quotient 2007: NFC Central

This is the conference nearest and dearest to most IDYFT contributors--we've got Vikings, Packers, and even Lions fans contributing to this here site. Happily, I am not one of those sad sacks.

Wondering what this is all about? Quick explanation here.

Detroit Lions: Unlike most rational humans wandering on the face of the Earth, I'm a Kitna fan. I think he's a solid veteran stuck on some lousy projects, and now that's he had a year of getting used to the Career Purgatory that is Detroit, he's excited and ready to continue working. Beating struggling-to-survive-ghosts of great NFC Teams like Green Bay and Minnesota will work just fine with Kitna. Kevin Jones, I'm not such a fan of. He's been around long enough now that we can't really call him young. We can't call him old, either. Given the talent he is purported to have, one must start wondering whether his poor performance is due to some much larger plan to keep the Lions down. I think what we may be witnessing here is the X-Files, with Kitna as the oddly confident Fox Mulder, and Kevin Jones as the occasionally helpful, but untrustworthy Alex Krycek . Is Kevin Jones on the same side as Kitna? Who knows, but it will be entertaining to watch this time confront the impossible--the 10 wins that Kitna is sure Exists Out There.

7 Stars out of 10, as long as we don't get too bogged down in backstory.

Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre is too old for this shit. Who does he think he is? Some sort of superhero, for whom disasters prove his strength? As if to prove how badass he can be, he's, at age 50, saddled himself with may be his most questionable backfield ever. Vernand Morency? What's a Vernand? Some sort of Eastern European currency? Brandon Jackson? Ugh. I liken this squad to Unbreakable. Favre can't be hurt (though he can be intercepted) and his Buddy is unlikely to be much help, even with a Zone-Blocking scheme directed by M. Night himself.

6 stars. With a Surprise Ending (like, say, success) it could go to 7 stars.

Minnesota Vikings: Oh ye Gods. Tavaris Jackson and the combo of Chester Taylor/Adrian Peterson? Actually, you've got a pretty potent young cop in that running back spot--Chris Tucker, maybe. But oh, man, do you have a problem at QB. Tavaris simply isn't ready for this role. He may be a fine young man, but this is not where he's supposed to be. His presence as a starting QB is as unlikely and wrong-headed as seeing Michael Cera in a buddy cop movie. Think Rush Hour with Jackie Chan's role being played by the geeky son from Arrested Development.

4 Stars, unless you like your Buddy Cop Movies to have less ass-kicking, and more cringe-worthy moments. In that case, 9 stars.

Chicago Bears: Somehow, Rex Grossman became a franchise. No one knows how; he seems to fail as often as he succeeds. Yet, he is the leading man of a team that went to the Super Bowl (and yeah, got their dog walked, but still--Super Bowl!). His co-star from last year is gone, but has been replaced by the rather anonymous figure of Cedric Benson. Can Benson handle a leading role? No one knows. This a shaky time for a very successful franchise. We've updated Jim McMahon with Grossman, and Walter Payton with Cedric Benson. It reminds me of the great underrated comedy, "Dragnet". If you are watching the Bears expecting to see the greatness of past Bears' offensive efforts, you'll be very disappointed. If looking for an ugly spoof of those players, you'll be very happy.

4 or 8 stars depending on your perspective.

Up Next: the NFC West!


lbutler36 said...

You know its the NFC North now, right?

Brett Favre is the same age as Jeff Garcia and Trent Green, yet nobody calls them old. Put some decent pieces around Favre and he can still be a top 5 QB in this league

Andrew Wice said...

I do believe the division is called "The NFC North."

But very funny, Big BM. Mucho gracias, as we say in Nuevo Mexico.

Lbutler, though Favre has proved incredibly durable over his seventeen years, the reason Favre is considered old is that Garcia & Green only saw spot duty.

The combined career attempts of Garcia (2973) and Green (3527) don't come near Favre's (6500 vs. 8224). He's played more than twice as many games in his career: that's why Garcia (and to some extent Green) have a future in the NFL in 2007, and Favre does not.

I'm very sorry to be the one to tell you this.

Anonymous said...

The bears will win.with grossman
Little Favre should have gone to the bears.

The HCIC said...

This was cute, but when is Jerious going to preview himself for FF? I really need to know what he thinks of himself. I am on the fence about drafting him.

Andrew Wice said...

Jerious No-wood can best be described as equal parts Jim Morrison, Gilbert Gottfried and Nell Carter.

Big Blue Monkey said...

the idea that HCIC would come here looking for information about the Hotlanta Falcons is laughable on its face. I dare say she's mocking us with such a request.

It is akin to going to HCIC's site and asking about soccer.

She's having us on, and I'm not having it!