Ah, the left coast. What an interesting mix. You've got your actors in Hollywood, your homo-sinuals in San Francisco, and your anti-government survivalists in Western Washington and Eastern Montana. What an exciting mix for a PvJ season that needs to bounce back from last week's snorefest. We're in the motherfucking Rose Bowl, we've got 8 Joes, and 2 gotta go. What completely unfair contest can the lads at Spike gin up this week?
Once, again, we're on the football field, to hide the faces of the Joes about to go home. The PvJ staff, in their brilliance have combined 500 and Smear the Queer. Two QB's are throwing errant passes to a region that has Joe defensive backs. Whoever can catch a ball cleanly, and not get tackled by fellow Joes before running the ball into the end zone advances. The first three advance quickly. From there, it becomes a bit of a slog, as the Joes are more tightly congealed. Eventually, we get six Joes. Two Joes leave. Sorry, totally Anonymous Joes!
How does PvJ bounce back for the sad sack of kitten's tears that was Christian Okoye? Let's find out, by meeting our Pros!
John Randle--Yes! Defensive Line Great John Randle was never not crazy in the pros, and he's certainly going to be crazy here. Joe #1 (Adam) mutters under his breath, "God, I hate the Vikings". He instantly becomes the Big Blue Monkey Sentimental Favorite (or BBMSF). Joe #2, Dion, tries to talk shit to John Randle. In response, John, spits on his own hand, and rubs his own spit all over his own face. That's what PvJ was missing last week--simulated mental illness!
Mitch Richmond--One of the finest shooters of the basketball who ever lived. A future Hall of Famer, maybe, even. Mitch enunciates his trash talk like a Bond villian. He says in response to a Joe talking shit, "Ah yes, that is what motivates me." I'm instantly drawn to the idea of a brand new New Odd Couple, with Randle and Richmond reprising Desmond Wilson's Oscar and Ron Glass' Felix, respectively.
John Franco--Clearly, they aren't going to ask this old motherfucker to do too much. His great-grandchildren are watching.
Joe #1, Adam Wasserman of Escondido CA picks Franco. Good choice, Adam. Pick the oldest fucker available. Joe #2, Dion Santo picks John Randle. Why anyone would pick John Randle ever is beyond me. Joe #3, Mike Stange (pronounced STANG) is left with Richmond.
On to the challenges.
The first challenge is with #2 Dion Santo and #5 Clarence Chaney (who is representing all the brothers under 5' 7"). It should be noted that Chaney attempted to talk some shit during the Pro intro process. Franco called him "Urkle" and that kind of shut him up. Santo and Cheney have four downs to throw passes into targets, as John Randle comes at them unimpeded from a d-end position. Whoever hits the most targets wins.
At this point, I'd like to talk about the brilliant shit talking of Johnny Randle. Not all of these quotes came from this particular challenge, but I think Randle deserves a special moment here. Here are his best lines, in no particular order:
"Giddiyah! I'm goin' to ride your asses all night long! You're my bitches. You are my bitches!"
"C'mon Suckah"--with a credible Mr. T impression
"Good Job, Adam, Good Job."
Barking like a dog.
Santo and Chaney both do a credible job throwing to the short targets, but they take some serious punishment from Randle. Both complete 2 of 4 passes, and have to go into a tiebreak, which Santo wins on the first extra down. Later on, we learn that Santo is a MENSA member. I didn't think I could be less impressed by MENSA until tonight.
The second challenge involves #3 Mike Stange (pronounced STANG!) and #4 Trent Madsen. A quick word about Mr. Madsen--he's an interesting combo. He may be the worst shit talker ever on PvJ. At one point, he asks Mitch Richmond if he shouldn't taken off his baseball cap if he's going to play basketball. Mitch responds with, "I don't have to take it off to play with you." Madsen seems more like a guy whose trash-talking to be a set-up for the Pro, rather than actual shit talking. Madsen may also have the most interesting job of all the Joes, too. He's a trampoline dunker for the Phoenix Suns. So, Half-time entertainment and the like. I give him credit there--that is a job I would fail spectacularly at. What was I talking about? Oh, right the challenge: Play a game of 21 with Mitch Richmond. Nothing scored in the lane will count.
Trent Madsen is up first--his milieu is basketball, but his speciality is dunking off a trampoline, which doesn't suggest a great outside game. After Richmond makes a run, Madsen responds in suprising fashion--hit 35 footer after 35 footer. The score is tied as late as 14-14. But Madsen's luck (his post-game interview would certainly suggest that he knows it was luck) runs out, and Richmond cruises from there, winning 22-16. But still, putting up 16 points should be enough to win the challenge, should it not? At one point, his fellow Joes call him "Mad Dog Madsen", which not cool--there is only one Mad Dog Madsen, and he can't hit free throws, much less three-pointers. I think his fellow Joes were accidently insulting Trent here.
Mike Stange (STANG!) is up next. Stange would have clearly not chosen basketball if he had had a choice. He's pretty spastic, and loses 21-11. It wasn't really that close. But here's the thing, future Joes--Mike Stange is a fucking role model. At no point in his ass-kicking does the smile on his face get less big. He's clearly jazzed to be getting his ass kicked by Mitch Richmond. Every Joe should. No Joe should think for a second that they are actually going to win. They shouldn't go on TV and be dicks to people who could run them over in a heartbeat. If you don't want to be called a dick by a stranger on some blog, don't Be a Dick on National TV. Be like Stange! (that's a tip coming far too late for Cashew Lou). I thank heaven that not every Joe is like Stange, because I'd feel bad about ripping them then. But if I were a Joe, I'd act like Stange, and enjoy it, and if producers told me to talk shit to the Pros, I'd fucking ignore the producers.
Third Challege: John Franco. He's going to throw 10 pitches, and the Joes have to get a bunt down. Franco is allowed to field any bunt, and throw the guy out, so it actually has to be a good bunt. This challenge is for our guy Adam Wasserman, and #6 Justin Simenson, who hasn't had much opportunity to do anything yet. He still doesn't. He goes 0-10. Take a seat, Justin. To be fair, the challenge is difficult. The Umpire is calling a wide strike zone and the Joes have to bunt, and Franco knows it is coming, and everything is kind of conspiring against the Joes to succeed. Adam gets to pitch #10 without laying down a successful bunt, too. But Pitch #10 for him--it's an exciting bunt down the 3rd base line. Adam wins!
On to Overtime--as always--1 minute Max-Out per event
1. Hit the ball out of the infield against Franco
2. 3-point shooting against Mitch Richmond, with some odd rules.
3. QB sneak against Johnny Randle.
First up--Trent Madsen, the high-flying, awful trash-talker.
Trent has serious problems against Franco, who can still throw in the low 80's, which should be good enough to flummox most folks. It flummoxes Trent but good. He maxes out, but runs with some speed. He clocks in at 1:14. Challenge 2 is a bit more complex than the usual Overtime event. There are 4 3-point zones. A Joe must hit 2 three pointers in zones that Mitch Richmond hasn't already hit from. If they fail to do that, they have to hit a shot from mid-court, which would be daunting for most Joes, but Trent is a professional basketball entertainer. Mitch limits him to one zone, but Trent hits from midcourt in a hurry. He comes close to maxing out, but doesn't, and reaches the bench for the 3rd event in 3:14. He sneaks past Randle on his first try, and runs hard to finish in 3:30. If anyone is going to beat him, they are going to have to have success against Franco.
Dion is up next. Host Petros Pepperopolis betrays his Greek heritage by referring to Dion as "pretty" repeatedly. Speak for yourself, Petros--just because you find Dion worthy to be your catamite doesn't mean he is actually pretty. Dion manages to slap a ball out of the infield right towards the end of his time against Franco, and runs hard, and finishes at 1:06. He's in the lead. Mitch helps cuts into that lead, by closing out zones, and forcing Dion to go for the midcourt shot, which he doesn't hit. He maxes out and is at 3:00 entering the last event. Up next is the John Randle stage. My notes read as follows: "Stuffed! Stuffed again! Stuffed again! D'oh! Gift TD" Dion finishes at 3:49. Thanks for playing, "pretty boy". Petros will see you in the locker room, he's pretty sure he's got a parting gift in his penis.
Last up, our Man Adam. Ugly, ugly, ugly swings against Franco. But he connects with one late, and leaves the baseball diamond before the ball actually gets out of the infield. It does get out of the infield, and Adam is puffing to the bench to finish at 1:06. Adam hits the basketball court, and again wins our love when he grabs a ball, and says, "Hi Mitch" to Richmond, all casual like. It was a fun moment, but Adam can't shoot a basketball from the 3-point line. Our man Adam couldn't hit the ocean from a boat. Our man couldn't score in a whorehouse. Our man couldn't finish a sandwich. He maxes out, emphatically. He's at 3:12, and he's basically done. He goes against Randle, and despite lying host Petey Pumpernickel's assertions, Adam does not "have a shot". He finishes a solid 8 seconds beyond Trent. Trent is moving on, but the last word belongs to Adam, who is our new reality TV hero.
Adam says, "Those guys (the other Joes) are all in the 20's. I did what I could. Let's go a get a beer." We tip our caps, Adam.