Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Pros Vs. Joes All-Stars, Episode 2

You know what is fun to watch?  Michael Strahan's eyes, after hearing the Jay Glazer talk about the Prize Money.  Jay says "Ten Thousand Dollars!", and Strahan's eyes go slideways as he contemplates whether that matches his monthly budget for, I don't know, socks.

Let's me the Joes!

Joe #1--Nafie Pollard, Personal Trainer.  Nafie has one of the more extensive web presences I've ever seen for a Joe.  You can see his audition tape here.  Nafie is a big dude.  PvJ really does seem to be done with pasty 35 year olds.  Says Strahan, "Nappy or Nafie?" and then proceeds to rag on the dude's beard.

Joe #2--Khiasa Jeter, Army Veteran.  32 years old--one of the oldest Joes so far this year. Not mentioned on the show, Khiasa is also an assistant football coach for the South County Trojans (warning--do not click unless you like marching band music).

Joe #3--Collin Henderson, a former Washington State Cougar.   Division I guy?  Really?  Interesting.  He played in a Rose Bowl.  The quietest Joe of this episode.

Simeon Rice, who I remember as being one of the scariest dudes I've ever seen play in the Big 10.  Lou Tepper called him the "Red Grange of defense" for fuck's sake.  He's bigger than Nafie by a lot.

Steve McNair

Timmy Brown!  

Jesus.  We're seeing a wide spread of ages here.  By which I mean, two dudes in their mid-30s, and Brown, who is almost 43 years old.  The Joes should have the advantage of youth, except for maybe Khiasa, who has also, in the span of about 1 minute of airtime, established himself the biggest shittalker of the group.  He's also, by far, the smallest dude out there.  Could be trouble.

We've got 3 contests, that are in theory 3 vs. 3.  However, if it is anything like the Basketball, we'll see that some of them are closer to 1 vs 1 or 2 vs 2.  Each competition is worth "5 Yards for the competition at the end of the show" which is a College Overtime style format, but full contact game.

Our First Contest:  10 Yards to Glory--Simeon starts on the 5, can't move until the Joe of choice (Nafie) gets the ball behind the 10 yard line.  Naifi gets 5 attempts to make into the end zone.  If he makes it 3 times, the Joes get 5 yards.  Naifi gets a little corridor tucked inside the right hash mark to run into where Simeon will be waiting.  This looks like a nonstarter for the Joes.   But Naifi tells Simeon he's going right at him.  Simeon calls him "a little bitch."  Well played, sir!

Attempt 1--he goes right at Rice.  Rice hits him, ball pops out.  Should be end of the play, but Nafie keeps fighting, and ends up kind of suplexing Rice.  Simeon takes exception, rolls Nafie onto his back, says something, with two hands on his face mask, and then, rather shockingly, picks up Nafie, and then drops him on his fucking head.  Glazer correctly reports (for once!  ZING!)  "That is a piledriver!".  

Collin Henderson, Joe #3 gives us the reaction shot that says it all:

Attempt 2:  To his credit, Nafie pops right back up, big grin on his face, and yelling.  I like this guy!  In a quick interstitial, Nafie announces, "I am like, really, really crazy."  Sounds about right.  Next time--spin move!  Nafie leaves Simeon.  TD.

Attempt 3:  Simeon doesn't wait--jumps right into Nafie's running lane, and shuts him down (albeit, much less violently than attempt #1)

Attempt 4:  Naifi tries the spin move again, almost gets away, but Simeon holds onto his leg, and brings him down.  

Joe Naifi fails, but in spectacularly entertaining fashion.  Again, I am enjoying this cat.  Quick statline appears on the screen--the Pros have 41 years of collected NFL experience.  How much of that is Tim Brown?  30, 35 years?  HE'S OLD, is what I'm saying.

Second Up, In the Pocket.  This is Steve McNair's event, who according to Steve McNair, "has instincts in the back of [his] head."  As good as any place to keep them, I guess.  Also, McNair is a warrior, if I remember my AFC Playoffs.  This contest--holy shit, it is a little complex.  Mc Nair is at the 25, in a pocket made up (as all good pockets are) by little red cones.  He'll have two Joes in his face.  His receivers are on the 5--they are in little squares made up of cones.  And I mean little.  They look to be maybe 4 feet a side.  His receivers are Tim Brown and Simeon Rice.  I wonder who he'll be targeting more?  Joe Collin Henderson will be playing DB between them.  McNair gets 45 seconds to huck as many balls as he can.  Each completion is worth a point.

Khiasa gets up in Steve's face, and promises, repeatedly to "get all up in your ass."  I think it is meant as a threat.  

The Pros get 4 points. and the teams swap places.  Looks like Khiasa gets as QBnext, where he will be "taking your cookies."  Playing DB for the Pros--Simeon Rice!  They've  got to get 5 points to win.  Not happening.  They actually start well, but Rice moves to sit on Collin, and Khiasa ends up throwing rainbows way over Naifi's head several times.  Pros win 4-3.

Last, Sticky Fingers--Collin vs. Timmy!  Tim Brown will be catching passes from McNair.  If the Joes break up the pass play, point for them.  Tim Brown catches the ball, point for the Pros.  Best of 5.  This is a 3 on two situation, with the Joes getting safety help, and a lineman on a 3 second count.  Disadvantage Pros, in theory.  Joes win 3 out of first 4, and win a challenge!   They get 5 extra yards.  Collin in particular, got a hand in on a couple of passes.

I have a feeling that Simeon Rice is going to loom large in a game that doesn't have extra special rules.

Final Game:  Two possessions each, with OT in necessary (and 2 pt conversions required in OT).  The game itself will resemble college OT's, with the Pros starting at the 25, and the Joes (thanks to Collin) starting on the 20.  3 second count for defensive lineman; each possession must have a forward pass--no laterals, hand-offs, or QB runs (some, um yeah,  just like college.)

First possesion--Simeon Rice, over the shoulder catch!  
Joe's possession--first three downs--Tim Brown bringing the lumber!    4th possesion, scramblin Khiasa finds Collin in the end zone.
Second possession--One throw, one catch, Tim Brown TD.  (hmm 15 minutes of show left.  I smell OT)
Joe's possession--sure enough.  Great Catch by Collin, followed by some Michael Jackson dance moves.

On to OT (remember 2 pt conversions are necessary now)
Pros--one pass, one play, TD to Simeon.  Easy conversion on a crossing route.  (commercial break with 5 minutes left?  I don't think the Joes are going to do it)
Joes--Interception!  Khiasa is complaining about something, but I have no idea what it is.

That was a quality Pros vs. Joes.  I'll have some more like that one, please.


Anonymous said...

Halirous review! Love it! Keep blogging on PVJ!

That Guy said...

Three things! One, Khiasa is not a big talker, it was all for show. Two, the contest actually went into triple overtime. The producers didn't wanna show how much the Pros were getting worked over....dropping passes and all. Lastly, I know what Khiasa was complaining about. It was the "No Calls" that happened. In all, it seemed like a pretty good competition, don't you think?