Friday, August 29, 2008

NFL 2008 Preview: AFC East

The 2008 NFL season will begin on September 4th and end at Superbowl 43, the last prime number Superbowl until 2112. So you know it's going to be awesome.

Professor Badcock has made numerous improvements to his out-dated Forecasters of yesteryear. All shareholders of Badcock Corporation can remain confident that the all-new Badcock Instamaniac machine is the most sophisticated calculatron ever soldered together. And it's portable!

AFC EAST: The Guido Division

Only the cream of the cheese is any good: the rest of this division won 25% of their games yesteryear.

1. New England Patriots will experience a Superbowl loss hangover made that much more throbbing by the tiny bubbles of their perfect regular season. Nevertheless, this team is returning all starters on a record-setting offense which averaged 37 ppg. League MVP Brady threw 50 TDs and 8 INTs.

Special teams remain excellent in all phases. The defense is yet another year older and more depleted by free agency, but with one of the easiest schedules in the league (only 4 playoff teams) they should cruise to a first round bye. Last year, Dr. Badcock said, "Expect a wild card" and they certainly appear capable of doing more than that. The Pats aging defense will keep them from the title.

2. NY Jets were really bad last year. The problems stemmed from an offensive line that gave up fifty-three sacks and a defense that ranked 29th against the run. The Jets grabbed up some big bodies for their lines and also some QB named Favre. Special teams remain decent, not special. The hardest part of their schedule is early in the year. If they can survive that, the Jets can hang around the middle of the pack and try to push at the end.

But they won't do it with Favre: in a new offense with new players and a bright Broadway stage, he's going to get pissy and frustrated and hurt. I'm so fucking weary of Brett fucking Favre. Last year, Dr. Badcock said, "Expect the Division Title" but he was only kidding. The Jets won't be as good as their record and won't make the playoffs.

3. Buffalo Bills were crap in every statistical category yet nearly backed into last year's playoffs. The offense can only hope promising RB Lynch runs better than he drives. The D-line has potential but the rest of the D smells funny.

This team lacks an identity. Special teams is the best unit, elite in every category. Last year, Dr. Badcock said, "expect more wins on the road than at home" which was nearly right. This 2008 Bills team has "7-9 for the third year in a row" written all over them.

4. Miami Dolphins grabbed at QB Pennington like a drowning man for a porpoise. He's got the heart of a champion but a broken arm. But as the Guidos say, "One man's trash is another man's lunch." Pennington gets to play for a team without proven linemen, RBs or receivers (E. Wilford likely the best).

The defense was dead last vs. the run and lost their team leaders to free agency. Special teams were bad yesteryear, but could improve. Chad's best game will be vs. his old Jets in the season opener. He won't finish the season. Last year, Dr. Badcock predicted a losing record and The Badcock Instamaniac confirms it: expect a losing record, Dolphins.

No comments: