Friday, April 08, 2011

That's Some Horrible Writing, ProFootballTalk

Alternatively, Mike Florio writes like the thing that will hit water when you sit on a ceramic basin, and a certain sphincter relaxes.  


"The folks in Minnesota are trying to build a new stadium for the Vikings before the Vikings join in California the NBA team that once played in the Twin Cities."

That's the lead sentence in a post.  Using the same word twice in a sentence is kind of frowned upon.  Using the same proper noun four words apart?  Craptacular.  And why not just say, "The Lakers".  Why make it a goddamn riddle?  It's like someone went out of their way to write this as clumsily as possible.  

That's leaving aside just how many "folks in Minnesota" are actually trying to get a new stadium built.  It ain't that many.

But here's a stab at that sentence, properly done:  "Attempts at getting a stadium deal for the Vikings are reaching a fever pitch, with some worrying that they may follow the former Minneapolis Lakers to Los Angeles."  

See, that wasn't all that difficult.  Again, it isn't particularly true, but at least it is clear.  Florio can warn all he wants, but the fact is, the "folks" in Minnesota have seen bridges collapse, schools close, and public health dollars disappear, all while a state budget goes deeper and deeper in deficit.  If the state can find a way to raise $600 million dollars, it better go to people who damn well need it.


Andrew Wice said...

Florio's sentence is a not a sentence.

But in your example of better writing, "fever pitch." Really gonna go with that?

Muumuuman said...

Rhyming homer with homer...brilliant!