I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Listen, I know that Ann Coulter says stupid shit just to get attention. I do. And I know by responding, I feed the beast, in whatever small measure. But fuck it. She's stupid, and when one assumes that other people recognize stupidity, the result is that the stupidity spreads. It's like a virus. But with stupid.

So, let's knock this out quick, OK?

Ann Coulter's stupid column is here. You can read it, if you want. But it is pretty stupid.

Keep in mind, this is now an America in which World Cup matches are being broadcast in MLB Parks so both the players and the fans can watch what happens before the baseball game starts. That was certainly not true back in 1930, when the USA had their finest performance. Ann Coulter was there for that tournament, and she's still bitter. Let's just see how stupidly out of date she is!

"She" uses an itemized list, and luckily, that's how I like to blow up stupid arguments, so this will be very convenient. Let's start at the beginning. Ann Coulter quotes in bold.

1) "Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd."

That's incredibly stupid. Soccer is full of individual performances. Russia is going home because their goalie failed to stop an easy shot. Lots of teams are sent home because of a failed Penalty Kick. Roberto Baggio's missed PK was TWENTY YEARS AGO. Ghana last cup?

Also, just to be clear, Ann is celebrating the fact that people who play her sports often display incompetence at them. Yay?

Also, soccer is played in front of a crowd. Not sure what that last phrase is about.

2) Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

Boy, that's stupid. No sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level? When did Ann Coulter decide that she hates women, anyway? Liberal, Centrist and Conservative moms like soccer, by the way, because it doesn't leave their kids with brain damage.

3) No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.

Is soccer low scoring? I HADN'T HEARD.

4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport...After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

Boy, that's stupid. Major injury is necessary? So, tennis is not a sport, then? Also, if you think soccer doesn't have the chance for major injury, you're stupid. And have probably never watched a game, much less this video. That's a stupid argument, from a stupid person.

5) You can't use your hands in soccer. What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!

Nonsensical. Idiotic. The only thing keeping the Wombats from being great at human sports is their lack of opposable thumbs! This sport is open to all species! The horror. I could make a joke that even the biggest dick of the animal world, the mink, has more of a soul than Ann Coulter. But that would be picking on a really stupid person, and I'm above that.

But seriously, this point? It is incredibly stupid. Hey, Volleyball? Why don't you just catch that ball and throw it back and forth? What's with this bumping and setting? Why aren't hockey players allowed to pick up the puck and skate with it? BECAUSE SPORTS HAVE RULES. Poor, stupid, Ann Coulter.

6)  I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.

Watch soccer, don't watch soccer. We don't care one way or another. The fact that something is on TV, because the TV Channel in question has decided it is worth their time and money to broadcast it? That's not force-feeding. It is actually the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace, which you stupid jerks LOVE.

It isn't soccer's fault, Ann Coulter, that you are widely derided as an idiot and soccer and Hillary Clinton are more popular than you. That's your fault, you stupid dummy. Stop writing stupid things, and maybe people will like you more.

Ann, do you think that "force-fed" means "made available"? They are quite different. But you are quite stupid, so maybe you don't get the difference.

7) It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans.

That's why half the US team is African-American, you stupid person. Let's see - Tim Howard, DeMarcus Beasley, Jermaine Jones, Julian Green, John Brooks, Fabian Johnson, Tim Chandler, DeAndre Yedlin, Jozy Altidore. But, sure, yeah, African-Americans aren't into soccer, and certainly not playing it. I'd call that argument stupid AND racist, but the real racist argument is upcoming. You want a sport that African-Americans are not playing much anymore? Try baseball, dummy.

8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European...Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

Ummm, what?


9) Soccer is not "catching on." Headlines this week proclaimed "Record U.S. ratings for World Cup," and we had to hear -- again -- about the "growing popularity of soccer in the United States." ...If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

So, record ratings, showing a growth in the sport doesn't mean anything? Makes sense, to a stupid person. MLS keeps expanding, that doesn't matter. TV deals for the Premiership and Bundesliga and Serie A and Premiera keep getting more expensive--but soccer's popularity is just an illusion. Huh.

Why the quotation marks around American, Ann Coulter? Is because you are kinda racist, or because you are VERY racist?

And, hi, my last name is nice and white and my great-grandfather was born here. In fact, on one side of my family, I can trace my American roots all the way back to Nathan Hale. I've got the DNA of Hale, and John Muir and General George Crook flowing in my veins. And I love soccer. I also love the NFL, and college basketball. Can you imagine that, or are you too stupid to grasp that potentiality? Or were you just grubbing for reactionary bile, so you could complain about the Liberals Who Love Soccer were mean and vindictive towards you?

I don't care what your goal was - the column you wrote was the product of a stupid, stupid mind. A mind that is possibly calculating and definitely racist, but mostly stupid. It kinda feels like you wrote this article 50 years ago (which still would have been 14 years after the first time America made it to the semi-finals of the World Cup, which you were around for, being the Stupidest Vampire). Learn your history, learn the sport, if you can, you stupid, stupid person.