I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Simple enough.  Pick all the games in the NFL on a week-to-week basis.  Yes, you will have to take the spread into account.  We are professional gamblers, not your doddering Grandma.  (No offense to your doddering Grandma.  I'm sure she's sweet.  Oh so sweet.)

Anyway, you pick the games, with the spread, and the winner at the end of the season is awarded with a Jesus Playin' Football Statue.  Couldn't be simpler, or more important to your spiritual life.  Save your soul, sinners.  Gamble!  No stakes gambling, the way the Good Lord would want.

Here's how you do it.  Click Here.  Be prepared to have a Yahoo ID. Use the information below to Join a Private Group.

Group ID#: 34188
Password: blackmanta


Good Luck, jerks.

Washington's starters led at the half and the team beat the Jets in the penultimate preseason game. The game affirmed many of the troubles the team has, but the defensive emphasis on causing turnovers is a bright spot: it's working.

Gross Rexman, it has been affirmed, is a boner-puller of historic proportions. Add two more fumbles to his stat line, and an INT that was called back. One was on a sack by LB Calvin Pace (who abused rookie Trent Williams the entire half), the other was a shotgun snap that hit him in the hands ... on their own goal line ... leading to an unforced safety. That's some nasty old runny mayonnaise you're trying to put on my tasty sandwich.

RB
Willie Parker was not effective. The line was not able to open holes against the Jets starters. Washington will be eating a steady diet of run-stuffing teams right away. The running game has simply not been good enough. Clinton Portis sprained his ankle on his only run, but it's not supposed to be serious. Larry Johnson did very well against the Jets backups, and likely cemented his role as the #2 RB. This position is expected to catch a lot of passes out of the backfield.

#2 WR
Washington forced the ball to Galloway, who caught half of them to go 3-29. Better was rookie Terence Austin catching 3 for 3 and a modest 34 yards against the backups. Lil' Brandon Banks had some catches but also fumbled a punt return. Boof.

With Grossman forcing passes into Moss and Galloway (of his 8-16 night, he was 5-12 to them) it's going to be hard for another WR to make a move. It would take great practicing and dominance in the final preseason game. The WRs fall into two camps: known value and unknown value. Galloway, Roydell Williams & Bobby Wade are known values and it's pretty obvious what kind of production they will bring: some. All the youngsters have shown tantalizing potential but don't have the veterans' consistency. This position will again be in focus next week, with Devin Thomas especially slated to see some balls.

Defense
Washington continues to cause turnovers, a delightful change. The defensive backfield especially seems to be hungry. The D also recorded four sacks in the game.

However, our starting run defense is a major problem. Our LBs are getting blocked and are not making tackles. Good running teams have a lot to take advantage of right now. This must improve, or Washington is in for a depressing season.

First come, first served:

The third preseason game is typically the dress rehearsal for the season. Most teams emphasize the top of the depth chart and play them as much as three quarters. Next week's final preseason game will be focused on the bottom of the depth chart as teams cut down to 53 players.

Washington's offense has a rocky row to how this week. The Jets have the best defense in the league, particularly against the run. They also have a strong ground game and the carry themselves like winners. Tonight's game (7 pm EST) will be the hardest-fought of Washington's preseason.

Gross Rexman will start due to McNabb's sprained ankle. Rexman's performance won't affect the depth chart at the position, but it could nail down just how much we should fear giving Rexman a start this season. The Jets have a very good secondary even without Revis, and they can get after the QB with a vengeance. Behind a still-developing offensive line, Rexman will have every opportunity to turn a bad play into a worse play, his career M.O.

RB
Willie Parker will start. This is his last, best chance to make the team. I don't think the odds are good. He has always struggled in pass protection, something Shanahan simply won't abide.
Larry Johnson may get more carries. Despite a strong camp, Johnson could accomplish nothing in his start versus the Ravens last week. He is less likely to get cut than Parker, but Washington's running game hasn't shown anything yet. It's been assumed that it will be fine, but a new scheme and new blockers against the Jets will likely struggle.

WR
Galloway will again start opposite Moss. But to what end? Galloway hasn't caught a pass this preseason, starting all the while. Anthony Armstrong is making a strong push, but Roydell Williams, Bobby Wade and Devin Thomas are in the mix. Rookies Brandon Banks and Terence Austin are pushing for a roster spot via special teams. Something's got to give: the Jets have very good coverage skills and getting open will be a true test of a receiver's potential.

FS
With Kareem Moore out for a few weeks, this is really a battle for the backup position. But Moore, who has impressed in camp, has a long history of injuries. Reed Doughty and Chris Horton, who also back up SS Laron Landry in this flexible scheme, are fighting for this position. Doughty is more disciplined and scheme-savvy but lacks Horton's athleticism and nose for the ball. I'd like to see Horton re-emerge, but Doughty gets the start.

DE
The assumption all along has been that, despite the dramedy, Haynesworth will start during the regular season. The play of starters Carriker and Golston will be in the spotlight early, but Haynesworth is expected to get reps at this position. How these blocker-eating bookends fare against the Jets massive line will pace the defense.

Frequent NFL blogger (on this site--of his recent work, I particularly enjoy his take on Tony Dungy) and Novelist Andrew Wice sent me an email in which he complained about the use of the word "ironic".  Ladies and Gentlemen, there's probably not a day on this God's Green Earth that has gone by without an Andrew Wice complaint about the use of the word "ironic" since, I'll wager, 1993.  So that is nothing special.

But then he highlighted this sentence, and it almost killed me, at least in part, because the sentence wasn't coming from a 15 year old boy, logging into his Bleacher Report account for the first time.  It's coming from "Larry Weisman, an award-winning journalist during 25 years with USA TODAY".  His bio is in italics, and he's won awards, and he's been writing for a very long time.  I remember when USA Today debuted, and I'm thinking he must have been there at the beginning.  And hey, let's not pretend that the USA Today was ever looked upon as a great literary paper.  It wasn't, and isn't.  But that's beside the point.  After 25 years of writing, with a copy editor over his shoulder for at least 20 of those years (before USA Today just totally gave up) you might expect a certain level of knowledge about the English language.  Here's the sentence that sent Andrew and myself into a tailspin:

"[Rex] Ryan, literally larger than life, sets a raucous tone for his team."

Ladies and Gentlemen, What the fuck?  Haven't we been through enough misuse of the language already?  Do we all have to do David Cross style rants before this gets fixed in our culture?

Dear Larry Weisman, award winning Journalist of 25 years with USA Today--someone can not be "literally" larger than life.  The phrase "Larger than life" is a metaphorical exaggeration; just like someone can not actually be, "faster than greased lightning" or "dumber than a box of hair" or "as sharp as a sack of wet kittens".  Those are metaphors, you see.  Larry Weisman, despite your horrible misuse, you are not "literally" dumber than a box of hair, because you presumably have autonomous functions, like blinking, and breathing.  In theory, you write words.  A box of hair would not be able to do that.  So I wouldn't say that "Larry Weisman is literally dumber than a box of hair."  Because that would be fucking stupid.  I could say, however, "Man, that Larry Weisman, and his inability to use the English language that he's been using for at least four decades now..he's about as sharp as a bowling ball."

"Literally" is not short-hand for, "I know this is a phrase that gets used a lot, but I REALLY MEAN IT" as much as you might want it to be.  Literally means, "This is fact, not literary exaggeration".  When Brett Favre, last year, threw a last-second touchdown to beat the very mediocre San Francisco 49'ers, you could very easily say, "He threw a (literally) last-second touchdown."  Thus, you would separate it from touchdowns thrown with 30 seconds on the clock that are sometimes called "last-second" even though they were not, literally, last second.

This isn't hard to understand.  And I don't browbeat my 15 year old niece over her use of "literally".  But here's the thing--she knows better than to use it in such a stupid ass way.  Larry Weisman is getting paid to write; he's been paid to write for decades.  He shouldn't need help to understand this.  Next time, write what my niece would have:  "Rex Ryan is a very large, fat, loud man, who gets his team excited."  Boom.  No more shitty metaphor/literal intersection.

Larry Weisman, you literally write like an asshole.

OMG!  LADYBUG MECCA is coming to get you!

Quick answer:  A shitty one.


Longer answer, with some context.  Tiger's ex Elin gave what she says will be her only interview to that bastion of hard news, People Magazine.  That's fine.  That's where embarrassing divorces between celebrity spokesman and model spokeswoman go.  That's all this is.  Twenty years ago, a professional golfer could get divorced without it being news, even if he was a dirty bastard who chased ugly waitresses at his local Waffle House.  Because it wasn't news; it wasn't entertainment news, and it sure as hell wasn't sports news (at least in part because we had our senses back then, and we all knew that golf wasn't really a sport.)


But Tiger isn't really a professional athlete.  He's a professional brand.  He's a walking Nike swoosh (to steal a conceit from the ever-quotable Dave Zirin).  He's also a pretty well-regarded professional ho-bag bagger.  It is one of the ripples just beneath this whole scandal, such as it is--every single man in the United States is looking at the low-down hoodrats that Tiger got down with and thinks, "Jesus, if I was going to cheat on my super-hot model wife, and I were a guy about two dimes away from being able to build Scrooge McDuck's Money Vault, I think I could find a better quality of floozy."  And every man in America is right to think that, by the way.  As I have shown, Tiger Woods ain't pretty.


But hey--you want a great way to make Tiger look like a victim?  Have a female "professional" reporter, who must have seen "Eat Pray Love" five times before the press conference, come in and ask three times--"But Do You Still Love Her?"


According to Press Coverage, it was Andrea Peyser from the New York Post.  I don't care she is a woman; I don't care that she doesn't know shit about sports.  I'm researching her, and it is clear she doesn't shit about anything.  Gawker has been detaling her idiocy for years now.


Here's the thing--asking that question over and over again, and having Tiger stoically ignore it?  Makes him seem like a bigger man, and he doesn't need that help.  Hell, I have been as hard on Tiger as anyone has been, and I was sympathetic, as he ignored the questions of someone I now know is a crazy cat lady who is worried about the sluttiness of Lourdes, Madonna's 13 year old daughter.  


Let me be clear--Tiger is a dirtbag.  That's not Elin's fault.  That's not Andrea Peyser's fault.  That's Tiger's fault.  Making Tiger look somewhat sympathetic by asking questions based on rom-coms?  That's not Tiger's fault.  That's Andrea Peyser's fault.  That's the New York Post's fault.  Sending an obvious idiot to cover a sport press conference?  Well, sure, I get that, but find a different idiot.  "Do you still love her?"  Jesus, Andrea Peyser, how stupid are you? 

from Channel 3000:


Two Amish brothers are facing a string of sexual assault charges, including committing incest and engaging in bestiality, on a Grant County farm.
The Grant County sheriff said it's one of the strangest and most disturbing cases he has seen.

It is common sense that owners who extract huge deals from the public to build stadiums could probably afford to pay for those stadiums themselves.  The idea that sports franchises are money-losing enterprises is belied every single time a franchise is sold to a new owner--when's the last time you saw a franchise sold at a loss, or even for a not-particularly huge gain?  But Yahoo's Jeff Passan's rip of the Florida Marlins deal gives a cold-eyed assessment to what went down in Florida, and it should be required reading for any locality even pondering the possibility of handing hundreds of millions of dollars to a "cash-strapped" billionaire.  Here's a snip:


The ugliness of the Marlins’ ballpark situation is already apparent, and the building doesn’t open for another 18 months. Somehow a team that listed its operating income as a healthy $37.8 million in 2008 alone swung a deal in which it would pay only $155 million of the $634 million stadium complex. Meanwhile, Miami-Dade County agreed – without the consent of taxpayers – to take $409 million in loans loaded with balloon payments and long grace periods. By 2049, when the debt is due, the county will have paid billions.


Any owner looking to get a stadium built has to be hoping this story makes a stir and goes away quickly.  You as a fan should hope that is stays in the collective consciousness from here on out.  


Go read it. 

Fat Albert Haynesworth was diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis, a rare disorder in which the muscles break down and poison the kidneys. As he complained about his playing time on Saturday, the symptoms must have subsided.

Rhabdomyolysis is especially rare among athletes and can be exacerbated by extreme heat. As Dr. Cooper explains, "You see the condition with people who aren't used to working out in the heat."

In an overwhelming number of cases, it is caused by acute trauma or prolonged inactivity. For example, fat ass losers whose "personal trainer" is stool softener.

Get off my favorite team!

Heading into training camp, there were several questions regarding both position battles and personality clashes. The positions of RB, WR, FS were particularly mysterious, as was Haynesworth's future in Washington. At the conclusion of training camp, the answers are only a little closer. But we can see their vague outlines on the horizon, and move forward into the final half of preseason.

Position Battles
Starting RB seems to be in Portis's pocket. His familiarity with the scheme has helped, as has his offseason commitment. He is also familiar with trying to make the most of poor blocking.

Rookie Anthony Armstrong continues to impress, and should have the inside line on the WR spot opposite Moss (who is also having a good preseason). Armstrong leads all receivers and has demonstrated wheels, good hands and the ability to adjust to poorly-thrown balls. Roydell Williams is pushing for the #3 spot with Devin Thomas. Joey Galloway, the titular starter, hasn't caught a pass yet.

FS was all sewn up by Kareem Moore, who's been having an excellent camp by all accounts. A sprained knee will set him back several weeks, but this will allow Reed Doughty & Chris Horton some much-needed reps.

Personality Clashes
Haynesworth said blah blah blah. Shanahan said his days of playing without practicing are over. Haynesworth said blah blah blah. I'm sick of this clown.

Good So Far
Starting defense has been decent. The emphasis on turnovers is most assuredly going to pay dividends this year. INTs and FFs have been a welcome addition to generally good play. As feared, the LBs aren't generating much, but this unit is headed in the right direction. Laron Landry is cracking skulls down in the box where he belongs.

Punter Bidwell has shown a strong, accurate leg. For a team starting over on offense, a good punter is extremely important.

Troublesome So Far
The starting offensive line struggles with protection and run-blocking. They are in development, but far from a finished product. The backups lag alarmingly far behind: Washington will be operating without a safety net.

Gross Rexman is going to play this season and he is going to lose games for Washington. Stop me if you've heard this before: he finished with two fumbles lost, a boner INT and a delay of game.

I can't tell you how sad I am to learn that.  (From Season 3 episode, ORB)

enjoy:  (first seen at actinglikeanimals.com)

I believe this would be our first European participant of Old School Thursday.  She will not be the last, though.

As an anti-Viking fan, and as someone who was been mocking Brad Childress' intelligence for more than 3 years now, the new piece from Jason Cole over at Yahoo fills me with delight.  Here's the central point delivered by Cole:
In short, even as Minnesota’s best hope to win a Super Bowl this season was rejoining the team, Childress was losing more ground with his team in the battle for respect. One of the biggest issues playing out behind the scenes in Minnesota is that many players, particularly on offense, have no respect for Childress. Among those players is Favre, who officially returned to the team Wednesday. According to multiple team sources, Favre’s disdain for Childress is deep.


The season hasn't even started yet, and there are already offensive factions split between Favre and Childress, and they seem mostly behind Favre.  Good luck with that situation, Minnesota Vikings.  This is the football equivalent of a marriage of convenience, except the husband is old and ineffectual, and the bride is 40 years old and can't even bother to pretend to like the husband.  I don't like pop culture signifiers, but it's like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, if Zeta-Jones were more like a kid out there.  Trouble ahead, I tells ya, last year notwithstanding.